03.

𝐘𝐮𝐯𝐫𝐚𝐣 𝐂𝐡𝐚𝐮𝐡𝐚𝐧

This woman is literally going to make me lose my mind.

I just know it - she won't get scolded, obviously. Main hi pitunga.

"Chalo na yaar," I say, grabbing her wrist and trying to pull her along.

But no, madam decides to be a full-on rebel today - this woman plants her feet firmly on the ground, refusing to budge.

"Nahi na yaar, main sach mein behosh ho jaungi! Acha ruko, ek kaam karo - tum pehle jao, main piche-piche aa jaungi," she says sweetly, as if betraying me is a normal Tuesday activity.

I raise my hand, motioning her to come closer, pretending I'm about to whisper a masterplan.

She leans in, trusting me like a fool - poor, innocent creature.

I bring my mouth near her ear and yell, "TUM PAGAL HO GAYI HO KYA!!??"

She flinches violently, and before I can even blink - BAM - she lands a punch straight on my chest.

I stumble back a little, clutching my heart dramatically.

Yup, ladies and gentlemen, my cute yet violently irritating wife is going to be the death of me.

"College mein hain hum? Principal se milne ja rahe hain?" I bark, exasperated.

"Shaadi karke aaye hain! Biwi ho! Saath mein chalo chup-chaap!"

To avoid being beaten into a pulp any further, I quickly grab both her hands in mine, trapping her tiny fists of fury.

"Abe oye, order kise de rahe ho?" she snaps, fire burning in her eyes.

Are haan, this woman HATES being ordered around.

Shit, bad move, soldier. Retreat, retreat!

"Sorry, sorry, please madam! Haath jod raha hoon, chal lo yaar," I plead, dramatically joining my hands - only to realize I'm still holding hers, so now her hands are unintentionally folded too.

CLINK CLINK go her bangles, and in reflex, she pulls her hands away, giving me a death glare.

Adorable. Deadly, but adorable.

"Thik hai yaar, chalo," she mutters, her cheeks puffing up and her nose scrunching cutely, her whole face looking like an angry cartoon character.

God, I swear I'm obsessed with seeing her like this - all grumpy and cute.

We start moving toward the entrance.

Just then, dramatic zoom out - I suddenly stop, taking a few hesitant steps back while still clutching her hand.

She raises her eyebrows at me like, "Ab kya nautanki hai?"

"Thappad-whappad pad gaya toh?" I ask in a small voice, desperately seeking an ounce of reassurance.

She gives me a look. A cold, evil, villainous heroine look.

"Padna chahiye-" she starts, and I already know this isn't going to end well.

"Do-char thappad padegi na, apne aap akal aa jayegi aapko," she says, using 'aapko' instead of 'tumko' - with a smile so angelic it's terrifying.

Why, WHY did I think she would be my partner in crime?

Here she is, volunteering me for a public beating!

"Kisne kaha tha bhaag ke, Bollywood style dramatic shaadi karne ko? Ab pachtao," she adds with a smirk, tossing her imaginary hair back.

I open my mouth to argue -

But BOOM! - something wet hits me right on the face.

WHAT THE-?!

I look up dramatically, only to see my best friend on the balcony, grinning like a maniac and splashing water on me with a jug, trying to get my attention.

Next to him stands Ananya, arms crossed, clearly judging me with all her soul.

Perfect.

Ye ghar kab aaye?

Now I'll not just get scolded by my family - I'll also get ROASTED alive by these two devils.

Today, ladies and gentlemen, mera band bajne wali hai.

And my wife?

She's just standing there laughing, enjoying the show.

Before I could even ring the doorbell,

DHADAM!

the door flings open with a drama so intense, even Karan Johar would've been proud.

And there she stood -

The Boss.

The Queen.

The Gang Leader herself - Mummy.

Behind her, her trusted army was already assembled:

Prem Bhaiya.

Shivansh Bhaiya.

Kritika Bhabhi.

Papa.

Tauji.

Taiji.

All standing like school principals waiting to suspend me.

And from the staircase?

Enter: Vivaan, my so-called best friend, grinning like he just organised my funeral.

Of course, he must've been the first to hear about my "breaking news" from his 'sutron se', and being the true agent of chaos he is, he gathered everyone like it's the final cricket match of India vs Pakistan.

I look around.

Every single soul is glaring at me with folded arms and raised eyebrows, their eyes screaming - "BOL, AB BOL."

My soul? It has already left my body.

Before I could even attempt to speak,

DHAM!

the gang leader herself - my dear mother - roars:

"Dekhta hi rahega hum sabko ya kuch bakega bhi?"

Haye rabba,

With the fakest, most angelic "pyara beta" smile plastered on my face,

I bend down dramatically to touch her feet.

But what does she do?

Steps back!?

Arms still crossed.

Eyebrows still raised.

Judgement still top-notch.

And thus began the Rapid Fire Round -

hosted by Koffee with Khaandaan.

"Bare ek mahine baad aa raha hai, woh bhi seedha shaadi karke?! Nikal jaa ab! Ghar mein nahi aana!" Vivaan declares, acting like he owns the house.

I open my mouth -

but before I can defend myself,

BAM! another question slaps me across the face.

"Aese koi shaadi karta hai?!" Prem Bhaiya thunders.

Joining him like perfect background singers, Shivansh Bhaiya adds,

"Main toh roz kehta tha, bigaad rakha hai aap sabne isse. Lo mil gaya iska bigadne ka natija!"

Kritika Bhabhi, the traitor from my own team, smirks and delivers her dialogue,

"Chachi, aur bano cool mom, bhaag ke shaadi kar aaya aapka ladla!"

Wow, bhabhi? After all the gifts I gave you?

Well, maybe I did deserve it, my inner voice mocked.

"Mummy-" I try to plead.

But before my voice can even escape fully,

"CHUP REH!"

comes the collective roar.

I swear for a second, the house shook.

Suddenly, everyone starts yelling at the same time, their voices mixing into a background music of doom.

I could hear nothing except my own heartbeat going, dhak dhak dhak dhak.

In that chaos,

I feel a sudden tug on my wrist.

I turn slightly - it's Aliya.

Her face pale, eyes wide, clutching my hand tightly like I'm about to be sacrificed to the lions.

Why is she looking scared?

No one even scolded her yet!

Another spike in everyone's voices makes her flinch.

Bas, ab toh hadh ho gayi.

I turn fully to face the courtroom and scream,

"AAP SAB CHILANA BAND KARO YAAR!!"

Silence.

Dead silence.

Everyone freezes.

Even the walls look shocked.

And just when I think I've won -

THAD!!

Aliya slaps my shoulder hard.

I turn to her, eyes wide, mouthing, "Ab kya kiya maine?"

She frowns at me and says,

"Ab aap kyun chila rahe ho?!"

Oh. Shit.

"Sorry," I whisper like a kid caught stealing candy.

Main toh bas usko protect karna chah raha tha, but now I'm the villain.

And then - Papa speaks.

"BHAI MUJHE BAHU MANZOOR HAI!"

Everyone turns toward him, gasping.

Music swells in the background -

dhum tananana dhina dhina.

Papa smiles and explains,

"Arre bhai, is ladke se sorry bulwa diya, koi aam baat thodi hai! Bhai, mujhe toh aisi hi bahu chahiye thi!"

PAPA YAAR!!

Tauji nods in agreement,

"Baat toh sahi keh raha hai."

Taujiii!

Even you??

Arey bhagwan, kuch toh izzat bachaye rakho meri.

But no, my taiji is not here for happy endings.

She folds her arms tighter and interrogates:

"Kya aap bhi?! Ye sab chhodo! Yuvi, ab bata, ye kya harkat hai? Aese hoti hai shaadi? Sabse bina pooche?"

I feel like I'm standing in the middle of CID, everyone's faces zooming into mine with dramatic camera angles.

I throw up my hands in frustration and reply,

"Group project thodi kar raha tha jo sabse puchta? Shaadi meri aur Aliya ki hui hai, toh sabse kyun puchta?!"

As soon as the w

ords leave my mouth,

I realize:

Main gaya.

Today, I will be publicly thrashed.

Biwi ke saamne, ghar ke beechon beech.

Hey bhagwan, laaj rakh lena. Aapke charno mein hai meri bachi-kuchi izzat.

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